One of the big symptoms of depressive disorders is either lack of sleep or too much sleep. For me , it is not so much that I don’t get a solid 8 hours of sleep, I do .. when I FINALLY manage to fall asleep. Thing is this ,thugh, I have to be completely exhausted to get my mind to a place where I CAN sleep. This is because it is when I have my eyes closed, and some sort of music or audio book voice trying to distract parts of my brain so that I can finally relax that the Nasty little ‘blue monster’ ‘s voice becomes really really loud..
Like the Mother from “Throw Momma From the Train” except she is in my head and I cannot kill her without killing myself.
“You are worthless, look at you! You could never keep a job and you are just faking being depressed because you are lazy . Did I mention how worthless you are? YOu don’t even post anything worthwhile for anyone to comment or share on Facebook unless it is pathetic things like christmas trees and flowers and pets .. No one gives a damn about any SUBSTANTIAL things you post. Even this blog post isn’t going to be looked at or read,. You Should just take a knife and puncture an arm artery … Or maybe You should just run an hose from the exhaust of your car and suck monoxide. Oh! that’s RIGHT! you don’t OWN a car, that’s how worthless you are!
Then that blue monster starts going through the powerpoint presentation of every single job I had lost, even if they were minuscule little jobs with nasty bosses that no one in their right mind would have stayed.
Most of the inner critical thoughts are based around all those things I cannot do because I have things in my way of doing them.. Like looking for work. Here is a list of personal “Favorites”:
‘You aren’t gonna ever get to keep a job because you don’t have your own transportation and every time you have had to depend on somone else, They have let you down and you will get fired for not getting to work on time or you will have to walk your ass home after work. ‘
No one is going to hire you because you haven’t had a job in 10 years because of reason 1, no car. No one is gonna hire a middle aged man who hasn’t worked in that long because that says you’re lazy.
No one is going to hire you because you have a long history of not being able to hold a job. NEvermind you have a broad base of experience.. they just want to know if you are gonna up and quit.
Doesn’t matter if you get hired, it will just be for a winky dink little minimum wage job or some temp service job.. where you will bust your ass and give it your all because that is how you are , just to get fired over some pathetic little reason like management needing to make payroll look good or their not believing you that you had to take wife to Emergency Room for the third time in 6 months because life fucking happens and you violated the three strikes in a year policy. ( I don’t have wife anymore so I am clear of that particular thing, but you get the idea, shit happens Get fired )
Then there are the existential ‘tapes’ , that get tossed in with the other negative thoughts
Your Mother is gonna die and then where will you be , since that tit would have dried up?
You’re gonna die homeless because you are a failure in society.. can’t even keep a Mc Job .
Yu gonna die like your ex’s grandparents and mother , in a hospital bed, all alone with no one by your side.
These aren’t all the little negativities that bother me , but they are the one’s that are behind why I can’t sleep.
The Little Blue Monster 